Life is a Roller Coaster
Life is a Roller Coaster. Each day I’m either climbing higher or in a free fall. I either feel like I’m warm in the glowing sun or crawling slowly through a dark cave. There are so many metaphors I could use as a Mother of an Addict. There’s probably quite a few you have of your own too. We all know the feeling of excitement followed by feelings of desperation. We all think this is it, I can let my guard down maybe just a little only to be thrust back into the unknown. I don’t believe life will ever be simple or easy, but I sure could use a little peacefulness.
Just when I think my son is really doing well and I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, it all comes crashing down on top of me. You know what the hardest thing is? Wondering what I can and cannot say because I am afraid that I could push him over the edge. He’s not like I want to say normal people, but truly what is normal? How do you begin to define normality because for him I think this is his normal. It may not be yours or mine but it most definitely is his.
When the perception of hope is there, life is good, happy, comfortable, and we have restful nights. However, when the addiction takes hold and begins rear it’s ugly head, the nightmare begins again and the hope we had only moments before is a huge contrast to the despair which has now replaced it. Our anxiety, and endless sleepless nights become our new and current normal. Before we know it, we are lost in a storm that is somehow growing into a hurricane, without it even being from ourselves.
No matter how much we’ve learned or prepared for it we become as helpless against it as our loved one is against their addiction. We spend all of our energy wondering why they don’t just stop or what can we do or what did we do. Why don’t they see what is happening if they’ve done so well for so long? When they are up, we are up, and when they are down, we are taken down with them. Many times we may be left feeling crazy or trapped in a nightmare with they feeling of no way to escape. The thing that keeps us getting back on with them is the fear that if we don’t something terrible will happen. This fear overcomes us and drags us to the bottom along with them. We lose the control we thought we had.
It is a never ending circle of trauma and suffering. We need to realize that the step to climb off is often and very difficult and heartbreaking step. Does it mean that we have given up hope? Love? I don’t think so. I think it means we love ourselves enough to understand that we can a should get off the ride, that we have to let go of any control we thought we might have and we have to protect our own health and wellbeing.
I have been tested and even though I had the fear creeping into my head, I knew I needed to be strong enough to understand that I was worth it. That I am worth it is very hard to say and step away from your child, no matter how old they are. But I had to do it. I had to keep my boundaries. I had to protect myself from another freefall. This ride wasn’t safe for me.
At this point, I just have to worry about my grandchildren. The children are the innocent victims from all of this. They really don’t understand what’s going on with Daddy, why we lost our 2nd house in less then a year, why they can’t get a new pair of sneakers for school or the supplies that they need. They don’t know why they can’t ever order a pizza anymore or go get an ice cream cone. It’s not fair, life is unfair and cruel. Sadly they are learning this at such a young age. We, as their grandparents, try to do the best that we can to help them but the costs are overwhelming, so much so that I am going to do something I never imagined I’d do. I’m going to ask for help. Help to provide them with the basics they need as their school year is getting ready to start in a month. If anyone is able I would be so grateful for your help. I’m going to provide my CashApp link below. Please do not feel as though you must do anything. Please know how appreciative I am for all of you and the many years you’ve been reading this blog. Your support and warm comments help me more then you’ll ever know know and I hope in some small way my writing also helps you.
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