Confidence. Coming to terms with many things feels like I’ve lifted a huge weight off of me.

I am slowly coming to the realization that the only person
I have control of is myself. This realization brings with it both a sadness and a great peace. Sadness that I really cannot help someone who doesn’t want the help and isn’t willing to help themselves. But on the other hand, there is peace knowing that I am free from the burden of fixing everything and everyone. I am trying to live in the moment, not dwelling in the past that I cannot change or the future that I cannot control.

I have finally let go, let go of expectations, let go of guilt, and let go of control which I never really had anyway. Guess what? I also let go of worry, fear and some stress. What I still can do is pray and ask others to pray too. I know I can’t change his world but I can change mine. I’m not in anyway saying this is easy or that I’m perfect at holding these boundaries but I am way better then I was before. I am more aware of what I am doing and how it affects myself and others.

My son may call me selfish and uncaring but I need to find my own way of dealing with the circumstances I did not cause or contribute to. I need to be able to enjoy my days, my grandchildren, my other children, my husband, all without allowing a constant cloud to be hanging over me. Life is too short to miss out on amazing moments.

I am happy to see him or talk to him when the situation can be positive, when there is no screaming, accusations or guilt trips directed at me. I want to hold conversations that are kind and not divisive. I want to be able to see him without being asked for something, no ulterior motives involved.

https://drugfree.org/article/caring-for-yourself-in-order-to-care-for-someone-else/

Our son is holding his own right now. He is stable. He is taking his medications for bi-polar. He is staying clean. He is not gambling. He is being a Father and caregiver. He is working to help pay his families bills. But, I am no longer naive enough to think this can last forever. There  have been too many relapses, too many jail visits and too much responsibility falling back on us. So I am just accepting that this is the way it is today, not tomorrow and not yesterday, just today.

Today is all I can count on.