I am lost and I just want to cry. I cannot do this anymore. I just can’t take this roller coaster ride again. I want my son to go back to jail. Am I an evil mother? Am I wrong? I love him and I hate him all at the same time. How is that even possible? I know I do love him deep down inside but the person he is isn’t someone I want to be around. I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m stressed, I’m completely drained and I just can’t do this anymore.

So can I say, ” Because I love you I will no longer bail you out, because I love you I will no longer allow you to bring me into your world and because I love myself I can no longer allow you to come to my house. I don’t trust you. Because I love you I will drive you to a meeting but I will not give you money for cigarettes. Because I love you I will not come get you in the middle of the night. Because I love you I will allow you to feel the 100% of the repercussions of your actions. We taught you so much that you aren’t using so dig deep and find the values that you started life with. Because I love you I will make sure that your children have what they need but only for them not for you.”

https://drugfree.org/parent-blog/detaching-with-love-how-i-learned-to-separate-my-son-and-his-addiction/

https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/7-things-parents-can-say-child-struggling-drugs-alcohol/

I will be there for him when he wants to change but until that point he is on his own. I cannot keep going down this dark hole with him. I need to love myself enough to be able to set boundaries to protect my own mental and physical well being. I know he can do this and I know he can do great things with his life. The key here being his life, not mine. I need to let go of any and all expectations. I need to help myself and right now the best way to do this is to set these boundaries and pray for him every day.

I need to make a list and stick with it. I need my husband to be on board with this too. We need a united front, no wavering allowed. When he is ready to recover we will help him with the process and support him as he attends meetings and seeks out help. We will NOT watch him destroy himself and his family. He is on his own. I can’t take this on anymore. It is hurting me physically and mentally. I need to take care of me and not feel as though I can make all the problems go away for everyone. That’s not my responsibility and hopefully I can really stick to it.

I only know right now my heart is in a million pieces, my head is spinning, the tears are flowing and I’d just like to find a dark corner to hide in. But I have so many blessings in my life that I won’t dwell in the darkness for long. Those bright lights in my life won’t allow it. God bless my beams of light.