When does saying you’re sorry mean something? I have heard it so many times and it sounds sincere in the moment. The tears flow as he says all the right words and if it was the first time I would be gullible enough to believe him. If he wasn’t an addict I’d believe him but this disease will probably steal my son again. I pray that this is the time he can overcome his demons but the odds are sadly against him. Still in his moment of clarity he comes to me and tells me how this was not my fault, he had an amazing childhood, I am the best mother he could possibly have, he appreciates everything that we do for his family. I hear it and I so very much want to think this is the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for. But is it?

I have read all of the success stories. I know he can do this. So many times I have thought that he has but I’ve been tricked by the demon of addiction. I am now afraid to let my guard down. I need to keep him at an arms length for my own sanity. I have to stick with my boundaries. I cannot enable. Repeat….I can not enable. I hate the addict but I truly love my son.

Even writing this post I am crying. I so desperately want this to be the end of problems thrown at my feet. I want him to have a great life. I want him to succeed. I want him to be free, free from all the hurt and pain that this disease is causing. I want to be free from all the pain this disease is causing. It’s like having someone punch you in the stomach. … You’re never the same  when you find out that your child is an addict. The fear never goes away.

https://www.cnn.com/2014/08/26/living/addiction-parents

I’ve moved from the point when I’ve blamed myself. I didn’t do this. I need to keep repeating this in my head. But there’s always that small voice saying….”Are you sure?” Can I ever be 100% sure? How does 1 out of 3 children become an addict? As the oldest he had so much attention poured onto him. We did all the right things that parents are supposed to do, the same things we did with his 2 younger sisters.

The hardest part is how people see him. His family shuns him because he suffers from a disease called addiction. It’s a disease. If he had cancer there would be fundraisers, hugs and support from everyone as he fought the disease. Not so with addiction. It’s a hard position to succeed from when everywhere you look you’re being judged. I wish there was a way for the general community to better understand what addiction is and what an addict needs to recover. I wish the community understood addiction and what it takes for an addicts family to recover.