How much more can I take? How many more tears can I shed? Why does this happen when everything seems to be going great? Why? Why? Why? I’m finding that I am sinking, not able to function, aware of what I need to do but just incapable of doing it. I am stuck. 

Of course I can pretend it’s ok. I’ve gotten really good at that, maybe too good. There is a constant sense of dread surrounding me. The devil from this disease has it’s grips on me too. I feel myself shutting down, shutting out the world and really only going through the motions.

I am letting myself and others down. The thing is I know it but I physically cannot do anything about it. My world is chaos. Intellectually I know the terms, let go let God, step back, let him hit rock bottom, and the list goes on. I have done ALL these things and it just keeps coming back. Damn addiction, curse you and all the people you are destroying.

Being fearful is what I am running on right now. Fearful of my sons death, incarceration, homelessness, the pain of his children, my pain. It’s just NOT FAIR!!

https://www.shadowmountainrecovery.com/6-tips-to-help-you-cope-with-your-adult-childs-addiction/

Love yourself. 

You should not be bearing the entire weight of your child’s addiction to the point that you are unhappy in your own life. You can only do so much. 

Take some time to appreciate what you’ve done and continue to do for them even when they’re turning it down.

Loving yourself essentially means you’re drawing your boundaries, accepting your limits, and keeping yourself healthy in a difficult situation.

I know all the things that this article advises, I know them to repeat but I don’t think they are completely absorbed into my being. My son is a part of me, an extension of myself and as such his pain becomes my pain. I have to try and move beyond allowing that pain to seep into my soul. I need to maybe have a good cry and then stand up and get back to the business of doing me. Making me happy, making the rest of my life joyful even if there is a dark cloud. I need to push that cloud way over to the side. I have 8 beautiful grandchildren that need me at my best and I need to work to give them that.

So for now I can only present him with options, offers to help him with his recovery, suggestions for meetings, these are the things I can control. What I cannot control is him and his decisions. I cannot fix it for him but I can support him on his journey. I can hate and despise the addict and still love my son.

Follow up – He was arrested, his family is losing their home and he is calling to ask for socks.