This “one day at a time” saying is so true. Everyday could be the last day before a relapse. Living on the edge isn’t easy. It’s getting bad…..again. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do, what to say or how to feel. We cannot stop the monster. A monster is what it feels like. No matter how well he is doing in his life there is always this lingering monster waiting in the background looking for any little crack to sneak in.

He has so much to lose but he cannot seem to shake this off. Although at this point it doesn’t seem to be drugs, it’s now gambling. Gambling away supply money for clients. Gambling away earnings to pay his rent and food for his kids. And lying about it, being caught in the lie and still not acknowledging that there is a problem. He is risking his family and going back to prison. Life doesn’t give you this many chances. At this point I think his chances have run out. As much as I want to support him I just cannot.

The control of his business needs to be taken over. He cannot be trusted with any money. He was paid for supplies to complete a job and was found sitting at a slot machine having lost 90% of what he had just been paid. His father took his debit card and delivered it to his fiance. She will be contacting one of his clients to let them know all monies will need to come to her as he is struggling and needs to get back on track. Again we are put in a no win situation. My husband, his Dad, has been trying to help him as much as he is able but physically there is only so much he is capable of doing. My son just disappears and turns off his phone while his Dad is struggling to get some work completed on a job to try and keep his head above water.

Today, when our son didn’t answer, his Father drove to the casino and walked in finding him sitting at a slot machine having lost the supply money he had just been given. Our son is grown man, there is no way to control his actions. Hopefully by removing some access to the money he won’t be able to lose it all.

This is going to cause a huge outburst from our son. I don’t really care. I am beyond caring. I am so angry that we again have to deal with this anxiety and fear. I know this is a disease but when you have a disease you seek treatment. You make time for what needs to be done to recover. He doesn’t do anything. He relies on methadone to keep him sober and thinks that is enough. It is nor enough since the monster is finding new ways to gain control over him. He needs to work his recovery, there are no shortcuts. No one can do that for him.

http://www.walkingthruthedark.com/2019/10/28/where-is-rock-bottom/