Wow, it’s been so long since I have posted. Sometimes life just gets in the way of the best intentions. Having 8 grandchildren keeps us pretty busy. Grandchildren are such a blessing. Spending time with them can sometimes be a challenge due to who their parents are. That really sounds terrible but it doesn’t mean the we love any of them any less it’s just circumstances allow us to more easily spend time with some more then others. Boundaries for mental health are important.

Our daughters include us in their lives without question, demands, expectations or restrictions. Our son on the other hand always has demands, expectations, restrictions and constant comparisons. Nothing we do is easy with him, it is 90% of the time mentally draining and stressful. As the kids get older it’s getting harder and more stressful.

We have had to set boundaries with our son for obvious reasons. His addictive tendencies spill over into his personality. He is selfish and a bit narcissistic. I cannot allow him to take advantage of us any more. But I sure do feel guilty and question myself quite a lot. In an ideal world we could all live happily without stress and confrontation but sadly that is not our reality.

Our daughter’s go out of their way to include us in everything and it naturally makes us have a closer relationship with both of them as well as their children. Their children know how to behave, listen, laugh, sleep and generally “fit in” with all of our family values, traditions and there is no comparisons or jealousy. It’s just easy.

On the other side is our son. He makes most every contact into a confrontation, comparison, complaint or argument. It is not easy. It is mentally draining, it takes preparation. There are times we just cannot function within this relationship. He always feels as though he is being neglected, short changed and always jealous. I have talked with him, tried to help him to understand that his approach makes things difficult and things will sometimes change for a little while, sometimes not. I also try to tread lightly because I don’t want to become a trigger; I don’t want to cross an arbitrary  line. I do know that if he was to relapse that no matter what was said it was his choice not my fault. But of course I would feel guilty, wouldn’t we all feel that way? But with all I’ve been through with him I could live with it. I have come a long way in that regard, I know that I can do nothing to prevent him from relapsing and it isn’t my fault, not based on anything I do. He is his own person, making his own decisions. Maybe some day he’ll understand that he should come to us from a place of peace and calm instead of anger and jealousy. So I would certainly be sad and upset but not guilty.

As I get older, and possibly a little wiser, I have learned that my needs should be a priority. I need to set boundaries and be prepared for any consequences of those boundaries.  Boundaries for mental health are a priority. So my world may not be a perfect place with a perfect family but it is completely my world. It’s a world where I have been knocked down and out, survived deep pain but also have been blessed in many ways.

http://www.walkingthruthedark.com/2021/03/16/picture-perfect/

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