While we all are struggling through the COVID-19 lock downs life gets stressful.

Since we have my son’s family living here with us, things get crazy. There is no personal space, no escape some days. 4 children and 3 adults are a lot of people together 24/7 in the same house. Then to add to it, my son was released from jail due to COVID-19. They released prisoners that were being released soon, had no violent convictions and tested negative for the Coronavirus. The court order had been for him to go directly from jail to rehab where he would have been for 2 months. Unfortunately rehabs are not admitting patients from jail during the pandemic and without drugs in his system they won’t admit him off the street. Choices for me at this time aren’t coming easily.

No services are available because we are on lock-down, only essential businesses are able to operate – Grocery Stores, Pharmacies and gas stations. Restaurants are allowed to serve takeout. I don’t know how strict it is where you are or if these regulations will be lifted soon, but it could be another 4 weeks for us. Work was my escape, then I could come home and help our daughter in law with the kids. I was less frazzled being out of the house all day. But now that is not the case. I hear each and every cry, argument and complaint. It is putting us all on edge. The children are 9, 4, 1 1/2 and 5 months so you can imagine how chaotic it is in our house. The last thing we needed was to add our son into this.

I told him he couldn’t live at our house so he’s been sleeping in their truck. Last night it was below freezing so I told him he could sleep on the couch. I feel like I’m being forced into a corner, like my home is no longer my own. My anxiety is through the roof.

Since no one is working, we have to rely on unemployment (which is half of what I make) to pay the bills. Thankfully our daughter in law has some assistance with the kids. I know we will all get through this but right now it is overwhelming.

I have had a project to do that has kept me busy and away in my room for some time during the day. That certainly helps. I am completing a book that my father had been writing about the family and local history. He had asked me to help him complete it before he passed, at that time we thought he had more time then a week. So I have to think I’ve been given this time to do this for him and his memory.

My son has been able to do some online meetings but I am so concerned that the lack of available services could be very detrimental to his recovery. He has been clean for 6 months in jail but now he is out without any formal direction. This is scary. I don’t want him to relapse. I don’t want everyone living here long term. It is too much. Life has a way of changing everything just when you think you’ve got a grasp.

This pandemic has changed so much, some good and some not so good. To me it feels like I need to be more aware of my surroundings as well as concerned about my son’s well being. At least when he was in jail I knew he was safe. Now he’s trying to find work when there isn’t much to find. He is a plumber and general handyman. Really a jack of all trades. If he doesn’t know how to do something, he will figure it out. He has a friend that wants to flip houses and wants him to do the renovations. Can he do this and stay safe? stay sober?

I am aware that this choice is his and his alone. I understand that I will never allow my grandchildren to be homeless. I understand that I will never let my grandchildren feel unloved. I do understand my weaknesses. Sadly, with today’s situation, I am losing my battle to keep boundaries in place. In a way I am losing myself to these children. It’s as though I again am a parent instead of a grandparent to these children. I want to put them first as I did for my own children, but that almost cost me my marriage. I love them so much but at the end of the day there is nothing left for anything or anyone else. This is hard.

This is really hard……