The past few weeks I haven’t been able to write. I haven’t cared to write. I just wanted to curl up in my own little cocoon. My world just seemed so overwhelming. It was too much for me to add writing and exposing my fears to my days at work. Evenings were needed for decompression. I’ve been binge watching ” The Vikings”. It’s pretty good if you’re looking for a new series to watch. But I just wanted to escape the stress and anxiety I was feeling over my son and his family. The only writing I have been doing is letters to him in jail.

Letters to jail, wow, I just never dreamed of this when I had that little curly haired boy giving me hugs and kisses, learning to write his name and ride a bike. This isn’t fair and it isn’t what I planned. I want a do over but the problem is I honestly don’t know what I would do differently except see the signs much sooner and not hesitate to get him into rehab. Would that help? Who knows what would help. My 2 daughters were raised in the same household so it seems as though some people are honestly predisposed to addiction. Some people just have to be aware and try hard to keep their life on track. But kids don’t come home from the hospital with a genetic profile so how do we know they need something different. At this point none of that matters. We are where we are and there is no going back, no do overs are available.

Now we have to look at today. What can I do today that will make tomorrow better. I know I need to get my butt in gear and start cleaning so I can get my Christmas decorations up. I really don’t care if the go up but I have grandchildren that do care. I need to crawl out of the cocoon that I’ve been resting in and start to transform myself. We all need those times when we just need to crawl into a place of peace but eventually we must emerge and hopefully we are better then we were when we went in. Hopefully we’ve used that time in some self reflection. I need to now stretch myself into the unknown. The place I’ve been avoiding. Moving out of my comfort zone so that I can make a difference and lasting impression in my grandchildren’s lives. They are what my focus is right now. It is through them that I will live on. I need to create memories and traditions that will continue long after I’m gone. So I have to pull myself out of this slump that I’m in.

I realize that my son has put himself in this position. He made the choice that have put him in jail. I have to move beyond that and as a mother it isn’t easy. But I know that it is not my fault and that I cannot suffer for someone else’s mistakes. I understand that but…… a piece of my heart has been taken from me. My only Christmas wish is for my son to heal, to beat his addiction, to learn to trust in God, to become the Father his children deserve and if that means he must stay in jail for awhile then that is what it means. I want him to stay alive.