I feel as though I’m very lucky right now. It didn’t always feel this way. Those close to me just didn’t understand addiction, well really neither did I. But I was thrust into learning and learning quickly all I could about the subject. I read whatever I could find and learned so much. I felt I was prepared for whatever was thrown at me. I wasn’t even close.

Until you are thrust into dealing with addiction, no matter what you read, you will never understand. Of course that doesn’t mean you cannot be understanding. There’s a huge difference. I personally wouldn’t want anyone that doesn’t already know to be forced into the in your face reality of addiction. Addiction isn’t something that just affects the addict. It becomes a part of anyone that loves them and cares for them. For me, as a mother, it surely became part of who I was and who I am today.

It isn’t all bad. I learned to be grateful for the little things, the small moments of calm and to live in the day. Honestly that is all any of us can do, live for today because tomorrow is not promised to anyone. So the phrase “One Day At A Time” is perfect for all of us. I still believe in hope. I know that anyone can change but I also know that anyone can relapse no matter how long they have been clean and sober.

Of course Addiction changed me in many ways that aren’t so happy go lucky. I am no longer naive. I know more about drugs, dealers, homelessness and the courts then any person should know. I know how to use Narcan if someone overdoses along with the normal CPR certifications. I no longer trust people, you really need to earn that privilege. I can count on 1 hand the people I truly and completely trust in this world. I learned how words can manipulate, how they can make you feel small and unworthy. I know how they can be used as a weapon to hurt you deeply. I have learned that things don’t matter because they can be stolen from you at any time. I know this because I have had so much disappear. The only thing that cannot be taken from you is your heart and your memories. Everything else  that you own can be gone in the blink of an eye.

At times it is overwhelming and other times it feels great. It can be extremely frustrating when someone expresses what they believe to be facts about addiction, addicts, how to deal with either or they just say – They deserve it. They deserve to go to jail, they deserve to be an addict, they deserve to live on the streets, and most appalling is that they don’t need your love. I have heard it all. I have gone home and cried myself to sleep because of something someone said to me. Unless you have been there you cannot judge me. You cannot tell me what I should or should not do because I know what I should or should not do. I know what I do is a personal decision that I can live with and quite honestly I don’t care what anyone else’s opinion is. I am the one living the nightmare. I am the one that has to deal with the consequences of my choices. I know more about drugs, drug dealers, homelessness and the courts then you can even fathom.

Let’s all take a deep breathe and learn to be kind, be positive and above all be a friend.

My Story isn’t over yet. Please learn the facts and end the stigma of addiction.