This has been a very difficult summer. I’m wishing for a calmer, peaceful Autumn. Before that arrives I think I am coming close to letting all the build up of emotions out. On my way to the doctors at lunch today I starting feeling tears falling and had to take some deep breathes to stop myself. I didn’t want to walk into the doctors office like that. But I know that all those emotions are right at the edge and ready to spill over.

From April 26 until today, August 21 there has been more stress in my life then I think I’ve ever had. Most of it has been life and death kind of stress.

I have always been the one to take control and solve problems. But these problems are all things that I cannot control and certainly cannot fix. It’s a new thing for me not to be able to fix and control the bad things that are happening.

I have a son that has spent 3 months in jail, was out a week and a half, overdosed and was revived with 3 shots of fentanyl and is now looking at a possible 15 years sentence due to revocation of his probation because of the overdose. He has a court date in early November but could have a warrant issued at any time leading up to that. He has 3 small children and one on the way that will have no income to pay for bills. It was hard enough when he was gone for 3 months but years? We are unable to sustain our own bills without trying to pay someone elses. But what can you do? I can’t walk away from my grandchildrens needs.

My husband was in the hospital for COPD exacerbation in June for 5 days and we just had to stop and call 911 while driving Saturday night because he couldn’t breathe. He was taken by ambulance and in the hospital 2 nights. He is now using oxygen until the pneumonia that caused it has cleared and then back to using it as needed. He is on disability and had tried doing some odd jobs here and there but hasn’t been able to do anything, which makes finances very unsteady.

In April we had $7000 worth of repairs to our car, and a transmission leak in our second car that can’t be found. So we are down to 1 car and repayment of all the repair bills.

Our daughter is getting married next Friday and we are traveling 1200 miles to her location. So we need a portable oxygen concentrator, along with a new biPap machine, nebulizer and humidifier. We were always told to save for the future, unfortunately that never happened. We were always playing catch up with lawyers bills, inmate phone, the things our son stole from others and the many many things and thousands of dollars he stole from us. As parents of an addict we all know the financial strain and now we see what it is costing us. Even though I wish we could have saved more, I still wouldn’t have not helped our son. We did what we needed to do.

Wow, when I put this all in black and white, it’s even more overwhelming then it was before I put it all together. But putting it all down does show me that I have already lived through all of this and survived. In fact I have a pretty good track record of surviving every bad day, week or year that I’ve had so far. I need to come up with a plan. A plan to pay off bills so we aren’t so overburdened, but also a plan for my husband to follow his doctors recommendations. A plan for myself to take care of my own health. So here I go….. take a deep breathe, take my own advice and keep moving forward, One Day At A Time.