And so we wait. A court date has been set in early November for a revocation hearing. That does not stop the county from putting out a warrant at any time before then. It’s really hard on me but I cannot imagine what it’s like for him. Every time you hear a siren the police might be coming to pick you up. Talk about stress and anxiety, this is pretty tough.

My son is trying to go about his life as normally as possible, working, going to outpatient, working more, spending time with his kids all the time wondering when he will be picked up.

I feel as though I’ve felt so much for so long that I now feel nothing. Numb feels like my normal. I’m living inside a protective shell that keeps me from the current pain. Nothing can touch me if I am numb. I don’t feel anything, it just is. Nothing more, it just is. By putting myself into this shell I can protect myself and right now it’s what I need to do in order to survive. It’s hard to get motivated, It’s hard to feel happy no matter what I do. Life just isn’t what I planned and right now I just need to escape, but what happen when I want o come back? I think it’s going to take a lot of work and understanding. Knowing that if it wasn’t for Narcan I would have lost me son is devastating in and of itself but knowing that I am actually going to lose him to prison is beyond what I can deal with right now. So I’m not, I’m not going to let my emotions out. I need to be able to complete daily tasks such as going to work and if I allow myself to feel I don’t think I could.

I have been on this roller coaster for almost 14 years. I never have given up hope, but that hope has been destroyed so many times that I’m not sure what to do. He has to help himself. He has to want to get well. He has to work on sobriety. I cannot do any of these things for him and I know it. It’s one thing to know in your head and another to accept that you are powerless. I don’t like to be powerless. I have always been the one to fix things and this I can’t fix. So I have retreated into my own personal space where I can block out what I’m feeling. Right now it’s the only way for me to get through my days and sleep at night. I’ve looked up all the symptoms and I know that it isn’t the best choice for dealing with what is going on. I have also learned that the body has its own defenses and this is one of them. Once he is sentenced and I am alone with my husband, I won’t have to be strong for a few hours. I know I will let go then, I can feel that. But then I need to pull myself together because he has children to worry about, children that are going to need us and our support. At the same time I’m trying to hold it together I need them to know it’s okay to let the tears flow and mine will come then too.