I don’t even know where to begin.

I was so confident, so happy, my heart was whole when my son was out of jail and was able to be part of my birthday. I couldn’t believe the sense of peace I felt, the inner joy of seeing him and hugging him. He saw his son crawl for the first time, his daughter wouldn’t leave his arms and his stepson was in tears at the sight of him walking in. For a second it was perfect. For a second all was right in my world. For a second I could rest. For a second I was in peace.

Then the peace ended. Just a week and a half after getting out of jail my son overdosed. He was dead, unresponsive and was brought back by 2 shots of Narcan.

That was 3 days ago. I still am missing my joy, my heart ad most definitely my peace.

The all I received from the ER was from my son telling me he had been in a car accident. He didn’t really remember anything but he my have broken his neck. Please get a hold of his fiance as he hadn’t been able to reach her.  My husband and I were rushing, him to get the house to watch the kids and myself with my nephew to the hospital. So many thoughts rushing through my head, broken neck – will he be paralyzed? We arrived at the hospital and were told his neck was not broken. He had multiple stitches in his head and behind his ear along with many abrasions. His truck wasn’t in gear and he fell out of it after hitting a pole, the truck then continued on to hit a building. He told us that this was all caused by another vehicle hitting him and afterwards he fell out of the truck before it hit the building. He was being released from the hospital 2 1/2 hours after the accident occurred. We were all relieved that he was ok.

Fast forward to the next afternoon. Facebook news about a single car accident that kind of matched the details we were given except for a glaring difference. The driver was found on the street unresponsive. A drug overdose was suspected. I immediately sent the article to his fiance and asked her to have him call me when he was ready to tell me the truth about what happened. She was as confused as I had been but later called to tell me my suspicions were correct. He was embarrassed, seriously!!  Ok the time for that nonsense is way past. You lied to everyone, the family including parents, grandmother, siblings, cousins etc. Why? Did you think we wouldn’t find out?

He knows he’s messed up big time. On probation, if he’s violated, he could be looking at 15 years. But first and foremost why hasn’t he checked himself into a rehab?!? He’s an adult and I can’t drag him there but boy do I wish I could. I don’t want to bury my son! I want him to live! This is such a heart wrenching position to be in, completely without control as to whether my son lives or dies. This is my child and it doesn’t matter how old he is, he will always be my child.

He is currently in outpatient rehab and I can only pray that this experience combined with counseling will help him. You know sometimes I feel it’s easy to know in your head what you should say and do but when it comes to the feelings of your heart it’s not so easy. Please keep us in your prayers.