On Friday it will be 5 weeks that my son has been in jail. He had a hot urine at probation. Now that we know what it was that he tested positive for, we can say that the actions of his probation officer may have saved his life. He tested positive for Fentanyl. He was honest with his PO and told him he ha been using it for a couple weeks. He chose Fentanyl because it is the only drug that he can still get high with while using methadone. He uses Methadone to control his substance abuse. Were there signs? His fiance said he hadn’t been going to group or meetings but she thought it was due to him being so busy with work. It’s easy to look back and think you should have noticed but reality is sometimes little changes go unnoticed.

What matters now is going forward. Going forward means helping my son to see that his sober lifestyle brought him happiness and success. Helping him to not overburden himself and to check in more often about how his meetings are going. We all get complacent as time goes on, it’s hard not to. Keeping up with such a high level of vigilance, you get worn down. It takes it’s toll emotionally and physically. I haven’t been able to write for a couple weeks because I’ve just been so overwhelmed. I have been at a loss for words and it’s been easier to say nothing. Exactly what I’ve been doing. Sadly not really talking to anyone. I don’t know what to say or respond so I have avoided as much conversation as I can.

I know that talking would help me but I don’t even know where to begin. My sons fiance is pregnant and due in November, they already have 3 children – 8, 3 and 9 months old. I’m so worried about these kids and the one to come. I’m worried about her and the overwhelming anxiety of wondering when he’ll get out and how to pay bills in the meantime. If it’s overwhelming for me, how is she coping? She is also a recovering addict using methadone and although she seems on the outside to have it under control, does she?

Today something brought my fears to the forefront when she went to visit my son. She was taken off the visitor list because she has a warrant. A Warrant!! If they take her into custody where will the kids go? What will happen to them. My husband and I struggle financially already with him on full disability. I don’t know what we could do besides taking the children in. I couldn’t let them go into the system. So now, in order to avoid the potential fallout, I offered to pay the 6 year old defaulted payment plan. I told her we can work out repayment but I just want to have to have this cleared up. She is very grateful for any help we can provide. I’ve been in this position before and I shouldn’t do this but what will we do if both parents are in jail? I told her to ask about re-instating the payment plan and then maybe I only need to make a couple payments until my son is back out and working again.

I do know I won’t give her the money but either my husband or myself will pay the court directly. It’s not a huge amount but it still is more money this disease is taking from us. Even when things are going well you never know what is right around the corner.