Over the years I have been told numerous times – You should write a book. Looking back and knowing what I now know, the things that were so foreign to me, my family and my friends, was “normal” when dealing with a loved ones addiction. I knew that there were meetings that I could have attended but meetings just weren’t for me. I read book after book, article after article and spoke with counselors in the many rehab centers that my son lived in. I slowly began to understand and accept the things happening in my son’s life and how it effected the family in so many ways. I came to understand that I could only be responsible for my choices, my reactions and I needed to take care of me.

I had to learn and accept on my own what others knew, just as every other parent does when they discover addition has taken hold of their child. This isn’t a chapter in parenting books but maybe it should be. Unless you went to Parents groups this wasn’t something you talked about in casual conversation. There was a stigma attached to having an addict in your family. People looked at you differently, they wondered what you did that would have caused you child to use drugs and they asked why you didn’t just do “…” or “….” . People didn’t and still don’t understand what addiction is and isn’t, yet they all have an opinion on how to fix it.

That’s why it’s so important to share this experience, all of it – the good, the bad and the ugly. We are the messengers, the ones who can share what it’s truly like to love an addict. We are the ones who know what it’s like to eventually let go and just pray knowing that there is absolutely nothing we can do to save them. It’s at that point that we become “bad” parents in so many peoples minds. How can we just “give up” or “not care” about our own child anymore? But what others don’t understand is that there is never a moment that we don’t care or don’t cry ourselves to sleep. But we have to save ourselves and our families from the darkness that is engulfing us. We have to know in our hearts and our heads that we didn’t cause this and we cannot fix it. Only the addict can make that decision and no amount of begging and pleading from anyone else is going to help.

I came to this point many different times on different levels until I finally was able to completely detach, actually maybe I never did completely detach but I did set boundaries, lots of boundaries.. I truly believe this isn’t something that happens at any exact time but you as a person have to be ready. Ready to accept the results of their choices. When I say their choices I mean good and bad results. Whatever happens when you set boundaries is not your choice but their choice even though they would like you to believe it’s your fault. Always remember you aren’t making those choices they are. You can only be responsible for your reactions.