Life with my son is like a roller coaster. There are so many slow climbs to the top and a few giant drops. I feel as though those descents, however bad they are at the time, actually teach me something and give me strength. Sometimes it also teaches my son something about life and people. That’s how life is sometimes. Pain can give you strength and the courage you need to move on.

Pain can also force you to set boundaries. I personally am not good at confrontation but I have been put into that position many many times by my son. Because of those uncomfortable moments I have become more assertive and confident. I make sure I know the facts before I speak to him. I make sure what I might think I know is actually the truth before speaking to him. I look into all the possibilities and can then say that I have not jumped to any conclusions. You see even though my son is in recovery all of those addictive personality traits are still there. He still lies to me, he still “borrows” things, he still gets angry, he still only thinks of himself first. All these things have become such an integral part of who he is that they are automatic responses. It will take years, if ever, for him to become less selfish and more giving like he was before drugs.

So when I need to talk to him about something it cannot be spontaneous, it must be planned. I need to have the answer to anything, any accusation, that may come into the conversation.  I need to be able to site actual events to defend my opinion. I need to be able to say – I feel like this….. because of………. and I would like things to change in this way………  He cannot argue with the way I feel. He is learning he needs to acknowledge other peoples feeling. It’s been a very long road to get to the point of being able to have a civil conversation with him. Honestly it doesn’t always end up that way but we both have learned something about each other. I know that there are times I should just walk away because he isn’t going to understand what I’m saying and it’s really hard to do. If the conversation is on the phone I will just hang up when he gets belligerent. Face to Face is harder. He gets very defensive about anything before he calms down and has a productive conversation.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that his threats won’t ever happen. When he says I won’t see his kids, nope not going to happen because he need me to watch them. He no longer has a hold over me like he used to. That is the most liberating thing I have finally understood. When you find out what your biggest fear is, you find out what they use to control you and when you no longer fear that thing you can no longer be controlled. Look inside yourself and ask yourself will that “thing” actually happen? If it does how will I feel? What can I do to release that fear? Once you release it your life will change. Your relationship with the addict you love will change. There will be more equal ground for both of you. You can set boundaries and not be afraid of the unknown. You will control your own destiny and that is a very good thing.

So ride that roller coaster of life and pull strength from the sudden drops because you know that you are in control of your life. Remember, what you allow will continue so set boundaries to protect what is yours. Experience the freedom from fear.