Do I go cold turkey—to borrow a recovery phrase—or cut them off in baby steps? Do I continue to pay for things that support a drug-free lifestyle, like substance abuse counseling, sober living houses, rehab costs or sever all financial ties? What if they can’t afford to eat? What if they’re in withdrawal and ask for something as simple as a cup of coffee or a bottle of ibuprofen? Am I willing to watch them lose their home or wind up in prison? How long can I go without hearing from them? Am I being too harsh? Too selfish? What if they die?

These are some pretty hard questions to answer? I don’t know what I would do if he died. That was my biggest fear and it was a fear that he used to manipulate me to get what he wanted.  I do know that I had to cut him off. I had to say no. For my own sanity and health I had to learn to tell my son NO. I had to change the combination on our door lock. I had to tell him he was not allowed to go upstairs in our home when visiting. I had to say no I cannot give you money for gas. And above all I had to say No you cannot live here. Even with a new girlfriend and 2 children I had to say no.

As hard as it is to do, at some point you realize you need to say no. The rest of my life was suffering, the rest of my family was suffering because all my time was spent making sure my son was ok. I had no energy, no drive, no desire except to make sure that he would be alright. That wasn’t fair to me, my husband or my daughters. But no one who hasn’t experienced this understands. I hope that by telling my story it brings more awareness to the families of addicts that suffer along with their loved one.

It takes a very long time to gain the strength, courage, and faith to say no. Everyone is different in their timing and until you personally are ready don’t let anyone talk you into it. It must be your choice 100%. Maybe you only say no to certain things or like myself I decided that I would buy him bags of food when he was in a homeless shelter with his family. No matter how much I could say no to him I drew the line when it came to the 2 kids eating. We all set our own boundaries and those boundaries have to work for you and your own personal feeling. There isn’t a “one size fits all” list of boundaries. You create them. There is no book of directions to follow because what works for one may not work for another.

Even if you start with small steps I do beg you to start. Set up some sort of boundaries. They can be as simple as I’m not doing your wash, but whatever it is stick to it. That one thing will be something that puts responsibility back onto the addict. Baby steps are better than no steps. Start thinking about yourself because you matter too. It’s easy to look back and wish you had known what you now know but it doesn’t work that way. If you can learn from my mistakes early on you might save some of your sanity and finances.

Remember if your loved one doesn’t need to change then they won’t. When you begin to say no things start to change. They are no longer being taken care of so they have to take care of themselves. We all want to help, I did too. When I stopped the change began.

My son has been sober for 1 1/2 years.