I have found that I live with 2 faces, 2 distinct lives. There is the life as a mother of an addict and the life where I pretend everything is perfect. Until recently most people never saw the mother of an addict they only saw the mother of 3 with the great husband living a wonderful life.

It’s hard in the beginning to even know what to say to family and friends. Sometimes it’s much easier to talk to strangers which is probably why Alanon and Naranon meetings are so popular. You can release that life that you don’t show anyone else. You can commiserate with others like you, others that understand, others that won’t judge you. Those things are the reason you keep your life as mother of an addict hidden.

You go about your day to day living without giving a single hint that there is something terribly wrong. You smile and laugh with your family and friends. You tell them how well things are going, you mention sports and school and assure them that the kids are all doing great. But inside you know the truth. How can you tell them the truth? What would they say? More importantly, what would they say after you left?

You see, people that haven’t experienced a loved one with addiction and even some who have, can be so judgemental, so condescending and so hurtful that I kept this life to myself. My husband, my children and I suffered together. We tried to live a lie because what would others think of us if we didn’t.

We covered up the mistakes that were made not knowing that we were hurting and not helping. I am the one who looked things up, who did the research, who learned what to do and what not to do. I learned that you cannot keep this life a secret from everyone because you need people. You need help, you need support but mostly you need understanding.

The only way for anyone to understand is to tell your story, tell your heartbreak and also tell your triumphs. I began talking to anyone who seemed to care, anyone who asked, our parents were anxious to understand and I found a lot of comfort and understanding but sadly I also found a lot of unkind remarks and looks. Some people cannot look beyond what they consider to be their normal because they have been lucky enough not to have to find a way to live in 2 separate worlds, not to have to worry about a knock on the door or finding you child unconscious. At times I have been so caught up and focused on addiction and my son that I was losing myself. I was alienating myself because everything was revolving him. I forced myself to realize that I had 2 other children that needed me. So when someone would question why I had done a certain thing or tried a certain thing I was able to say that I had done what I could and I had two other children that needed me.

To truly understand the world I found that I had to be willing to accept both responses and try not to be offended by the ones who do not understand. If they are willing to listen I am more than willing to share what it is really like to be the mother of an addict.

I started writing this blog hoping that I can help someone somewhere understand a little more the effects of addiction. To understand that it’s not just another junkie but to put a face to that person, a family to that person and many people that have done all they can to help while suffering in pain themselves.