I think that my son really has gotten it! Sticking to boundaries are easy though when they are working. It’s when they aren’t working that I feel the stress. But I am so very glad that I stuck to them about watching the kids at the last minute and every weekend.

Once he took the time to think about what I said he realized that I was right. I had raised my own children and although I love my grandchildren dearly, I need time for myself and for my husband. I am not the nanny on call. They need to find a way that works for them to deal with the stresses of having 3 children.

So now I have been asked a week in advance, or told that I can have them come over whenever I would like to have them according to my schedule. He hasn’t gotten upset screaming mad when I say no I have plans. It’s been wonderful and dare I say normal?

Don’t get me wrong, I know it will not always be perfect. Life just isn’t that way. But just for today I feel less stress.

I’m getting used to not dreading the phone calls when his face pops up on my phone. It’s easier, it’s happier and most importantly we are building a healthy relationship.

When my son was in active addiction there was no healthy relationship. It was him needing help and us trying to figure out if we could or should attempt to help. We were always in crisis mode. Sometimes it was legal issues, sometimes finding him a bed at rehab and sometimes figuring out how we were going to replace the money he stole from us. Life was really hard.

He went to so many different rehabs, sober living homes, Intensive outpatient programs, meetings, counseling, lawyers, Courtrooms, Prisons and jobs here and there. I’m not implying that recovery can’t happen on the first try but that just isn’t how it happened for us. But we all, as a family, kept at it.

He was always remorseful and determined while at a rehab center but it usually took between 1-6 months to relapse. He has now been clean for over a year. He has a family which we believe greatly contributed to his success this time. It has given him a new outlook, new responsibilities and a new future.

But early recovery isn’t easy. We thought it would be. We thought he’s no longer using so everything should go back to normal right? Wrong, so very wrong. The wiring in their brains has changed, automatic responses for self preservation are there and will be used for good or bad. This is why counseling is so important for someone in recovery. They need to learn AND practice appropriate responses so it becomes second nature to them again.

The best way we can help is to set and stick to healthy boundaries. We cannot waiver when we say no. That was really a tough one for me but when I stuck to it I was pleasantly surprised how well it worked!

So give it a try, stick with your boundaries and I hope the magic works for you too, at least one day at a time.