I’ve been thinking that there are times where I jump to conclusions with my adult son, times that maybe I overreact because I’m expecting him to have made a poor choice. But sometimes he hasn’t. If something is missing the first thing that pops into my head is that he did it. He took it. He sold it.

I want to gain control over my emotions when it comes to dealing with my son. How can I let go of past experiences to have an unbiased view of his current actions? It’s hard to change the wiring in your head. But I believe by acknowledging that this automatic response is happening is the first step in trying to change things. I know that my trust in him has been shattered by the history of all he’s done but how do I make sure that I’m not jeopardizing his future by my negative responses? It’s like a robotic response that I’m unable to change or maybe I haven’t gotten to the point that I’m willing to change.

I don’t like myself like this. I wish I could get back my trusting, innocent nature; the one I had before this life with addiction happened. I know more then I’ve ever wanted or felt I needed to know. I was like a lot of people that can’t imagine addiction touching their lives, those things just don’t happen to “normal” families. My world has been turned upside down. So after everything that I’ve been through, because of my son’s addiction, how do I change my inner voice? I’ve spent so long fighting his fights that I feel as though I’ve lost parts of myself. I need to attempt to retake control of my emotional reactions and reclaim the person I was and the person I was meant to be. I need to figure out how to have deliberate, well thought out emotional reactions. It’s going to take a lot of work, a lot of thinking things through, I guess like think before you speak.

I have been letting my past define me and plan on making a conscious effort to change that. I need to find a way to release the negative and hurtful past. But how, how do you forgive and forget? Our normal behaviors are repetitive but that doesn’t make them right or healthy for us. Some automatic reactions can save our lives but automatic emotional reaction can have a detrimental affect on ourselves and those around us. I have been holding onto this hurt and anger that has been buried deep inside me and I now see the harm that it is causing. I felt by not letting my feelings out I could stay in control. I could react logically to all that was thrown at me. I needed to be the one that could be relied on, that could make decisions, that could keep everyone safe and still be me. Now I am seeing that I’m losing me in so many ways. The anger and hurt is coming out and it’s being directed at the ones I love, the ones I held everything in so I could protect them. But in return I’m not helping me. and in turn not helping them.

I don’t know how to let these feelings of hurt and betrayal out. It is so hard to let go of so many years of hurt, broken trust, lies and heartache. This wasn’t how life was supposed to be. Addiction truly is a family disease and it can take years to recover. It also takes desire and work. I have the desire and now I need to put in the work.