Did you ever get upset because there was an upcoming holiday and your son or daughter was going to be missing? Or maybe you have your whole family together and you insist that there’s a family photo taken? Did you ever think, what if this is the last time I can get this photo or the last time I hear his voice? It is such a scary and depressing thought. Holidays bring this to mind. I can’t help thinking that I’ve lost another holiday. A time I’ll never get back. I know I should think of all the holidays that there are to come and think this is only one day.

Last year on Memorial Day I insisted that we get a family picture with my parents, my family, my sisters family, all the grandchildren and great grandchildren. 3 weeks later my father passed away. What a comfort and blessing that photograph is to all of us. It was the last time we were all together. The last time to preserve that memory. Everyday could be a last day, one last chance, the only opportunity to have that memory and that scares me. When do we know, when will we regret not knowing, when can we be sure that we’ve created a lasting image, one that we can all have.

It breaks my heart to know that I will never have another opportunity to make memories with my Father and it scares me that I could lose future memories with my son. Every day is another chance for relapse. Every day is another day that there will be a trigger that produces a relapse and that relapse could end up with me losing him forever.

I don’t know if it’s my anxiety, but I know that I should be thankful for today since tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. It isn’t just my son that’s missing, my daughter and grandson live 1200 miles away. They can’t possibly always be there. I feel guilty taking any pictures without any one of them. I just feel like a piece is missing. I guess it’s kind of an empty nest thing? There is going to be times when I can’t have my whole family together and I need to make memories with the ones around me. There’s always going to be memories to make and each day is a new chance to create those memories.

We all know that families aren’t like the perfect sitcom, but we hope that ours will be. We hope that everyone can get along, we can laugh together, make plans for lunch, playdates, talk together without causing anxiety to the others, trust each other in our homes but most of all love each other and make many happy moments that can be treasured for years and possibly generations to come. I know that it is a lot to ask and probably won’t happen often but I wish for those moments every once in a while. Don’t you?

I think when we were growing up our parents just hid their anxiety better. We as children have a skewed sense of normal and maybe our children will also remember things differently then we see them. I think we are too critical of how things should be that we lose the essence of how they are. Life shouldn’t be about picture perfect days, life should be about those imperfect moments that will make us smile and laugh when we remember them.