I read something today that really hit home to me. I started thinking about what I am afraid of. The truth is I think I’m most afraid of letting my children down, any of them, not just my son who is an addict. I think I want to do everything I can to be there for them when they need me and if I really think about it I know that’s impossible. But I know that is it, that is what causes me to be afraid, to know that I have no control over whether my son lives or dies. It is completely his choice and that truly scares me.

It scares me that maybe there is more I can do that I haven’t thought of and what if I lose him because I didn’t do that 1 thing that would have saved him. It used to be so easy to make him laugh and smile but he doesn’t do that as much anymore. Could it be something I didn’t do or didn’t say?

It is so scary to realize that you have absolutely no control. This child that you brought into the world has moved beyond your reach and you can’t save them. Isn’t that a parents job? Shouldn’t I know exactly what I need to do or say to make everything better? I don’t want to let go, I don’t want him to die but I can’t do anything. He’s 31 years old and makes his own choices. He doesn’t take any advice.

Even though he’s been in recovery for over a year now I still live with constant anxiety. Just because he isn’t using right now doesn’t mean he won’t tomorrow. It also doesn’t mean he’s making good choices. It only means that today he isn’t using drugs.

But what I read made me realize that although I can’t save my son from his choices I can save myself. I can choose to take care of me. If I work on saving myself from constant anxiety and stress I will be better able to enjoy the life that I deserve. To be happy and thankful for all that I have. I have to let go. I know I’ve been doing that in small increments but to save myself I can no longer be afraid of what will go wrong, I need to see what can go right for me.

This post really hit me hard. I was typing through tears. I really do know what I’m afraid of and what tomorrow could bring. So I think I need to take some advice that I always read, speak and think – One Day At A Time