When you talk to your loved one what do you hear? Do you hear positive messages or are they depressed and negative about their lives? We need to be aware of their moods, as we need to be aware of our own. Of course each day will be different but their overall frame of mind could mean the difference between staying sober and a relapse.

If your loved one lives with you it’s easier to pick up on the clues but even if they don’t you’ll know if they sound different, act different, or their day to day routine is changed drastically. We all like to sleep in some days but not sleeping all day every day. We all know the signs and symptoms of drug use. But that’s not all we should look for. What about sadness and desperation. Leaving that way of life for however long it’s been is stressful. Fitting in can sometimes feel impossible. Maybe they can’t find a job or can’t afford a place to live and it feels as though it’s too overwhelming. Life just gets tough, for everyone.

I know how my son’s demeanor changes when he’s using. I know he gets defensive about every little thing, he sleeps alot, he lies about everything, things start going missing, he becomes very short tempered, he doesn’t answer phone calls and he goes off the radar.  There might be other things you notice but this is what I see in him.

I find recovery difficult for both of us. Sometimes it’s hard to know where to draw the line, where to set boundaries because they are trying and they’re doing well. So many times it’s like having mud thrown in my face when he relapses. I’m always waiting for the next thing to happen. If I don’t hear from him I automatically jump to conclusions. It’s so hard not to. I start to feel guilty when I misplace something and think here we go again, he must have taken it. Sadly the worst is that it is the first thing that jumps into my head. I have deadbolts on my bedroom doors and wonder what visitors think of me when they see them. But I need to protect what little we have left that hasn’t been stolen.

I have begun to question everyone. It’s hard to trust when you’ve been lied to so much. I’m trying so hard to not let his actions affect how I feel about others. I used to be probably too trusting but now I look at every action as though there is some motive behind it. How do I know if anything is the truth after being lied to for so long and in such a convincing way? It’s a difficult way to live. I think our brains are changed after going through this with our loved ones. I try to fight the feelings of distrust, especially in those I love. But I can honestly say that there are only 2 people that I completely trust to be honest with me and that makes me very sad.

When my son was in early recovery I used to send him positive quotes every day, sometimes several times a day. I still send them but not quite as often. They would also lift my spirits and make me feel as though I was doing something positive for him without enabling. I was letting him know I was there for support and to cheer him on. His counselors thought it was a great idea to encourage him. I was more enthusiastic then. Now he uses these positive messages as an opening for him to call and ask for something. It’s hard to find that perfect balance. It’s hard to not feel as though you are being used.  It’s just hard for everyone.