I was thinking about how we manage to be there for each of our children when an addict takes up so much of our time, thoughts and actions. It makes me feel guilty sometimes that so much of my thoughts are about how we can help him without enabling, should we do this, should we do that, he needs us to drive him somewhere but we have plans, he has restitution due and doesn’t have money, he needs food for the kids and again doesn’t have money or food stamps left. The list goes on and on. We have spent so much on rehab, sober living houses, food, restitution, lawyers fees, phone cards, clothes, along with everything he has stolen from us.

The financial stress is getting unbearable. In fact about 7 years ago my husband thought we’d be better off with the life insurance money then with him. He thought it would help us survive so he took a bottle of pills he had for depression. He almost died, but while the ambulance was loading my husband to head to the hospital my son went up to our bedroom to go through his pants pockets and take $800. Even in the most dire situations he could only think of getting money to get high. Of course he denied it for months. It was later that I found out that the money was to pay a loan shark for a loan my husband had gotten in order to pay back dealers that were threatening to kill our son. I ended up taking half my retirement fund, with a huge penalty, to pay the loan. Our son blamed it on my husband, just as addicts do – it’s never their fault.

I think we give up so much time as a couple to spend whatever time we have with our daughters and grandchildren because we’ve given so much to our son. My husband and I adore our 2 grandchildren. I honestly didn’t think I could ever love anyone as much as I love them. No matter what the day has been like, those beautiful,happy and loving children make everything right in the world. We don’t have much time together as a couple, but we also don’t have the money to do things. But we feel guilty for all that we gave to him and not to them. We really shouldn’t feel that way and I don’t think they feel that way after all we never missed a field hockey game, even made headbands for every player every game through high school and College, made gymnastic meets and soccer games and was always there for school events and awards ceremonies. We took them on vacations without him when he was in rehab or jail or just off the grid, college visits, days exploring museums, family picnics, coaching sports and just general fun together. We really tried to make their lives as free from pain, chaos and drama as we could. We did not allow them to attend his sentencing hearing for what ends up being 3 felonies. We didn’t think that they needed to see him leave the courtroom in handcuffs. We actually took them away for the weekend prior to his Monday sentencing so they didn’t just sit around and dwell on what was to come. He actually got off with only probation.

But it’s always a balancing act not just for time but for information. What we share with the girls is not everything we know and we don’t think that we should. But our youngest daughter, because she lives with us, knows a lot more of what happens then my older daughter who lives 1200 miles away. If you aren’t actually in the situation it’s hard to sometimes understand and therefore make judgements from so far away. Our older daughter is very opinionated, she thinks in black and white with no gray areas, she follows the book. Which is a great thing for resources available and the fact that she runs Drug Court in her state allows her to get answers that we couldn’t. She is a great support for us but since she is not here to see the daily struggle we really don’t want her to be getting upset and telling us what we should and should not do. After all we have to do what we can live with, what our head AND our hearts tell us is the right thing. Our younger daughter was a psych major and has a little more understanding of her brother. She actually even sat in at meeting at various rehabs and sees what happens on a daily basis. She is tough on him but understands he isn’t going to be perfect. She is a tremendous support. They both have learned to help their brother in their own ways and we are so very proud of both of them.

It’s been amazing watching how their environment has formed them into the young women they are today. Each one has become an amazing mother and very successful professionally but most importantly they are happy. Isn’t that all we can hope as parents? Our children being happy is our dream. I hope that our son can someday reach that dream too. But I am so glad that we were able to “let go” of our son, even if just for awhile and allow his sisters to have the joy of childhood that they and we deserved. That is my balance, that is what keeps me going, knowing that I have more to live for and it’s my choice to go on no matter what.