Every day brings new challenges, new joys and gives life new meanings. Today is a day I’d prefer not to hear my sons problems. You see even after 12 years he has still not paid his restitution from his felonies. He has been on probation for 12 years! He has been given more breaks then I ever thought possible. He has been arrested for drugs, driving without a license and violations of his probation. Each time we are the first people he calls. I’m happy that he calls us but sadly it’s not because we are important in his life, it’s because he needs something. He does tell us how much he loves his family and how important it is to him but I feel used. It’s taken me a while to get to this point but here I am. I dread seeing his name come up on my cellphone. For once I’d love to get a call that is just Hey Mom, just checking in, hope everything is ok. That never happens. There is always an urgent need for something.

Let me go back a little bit. They are all still in the family shelter but now his girlfriend is pregnant and due in June. They can’t afford food most of the time. So here comes the heart part. If it was just him I would probably let him figure it out but with the 2 kids I just cannot allow them not to have food. This is a fact that I believe he is well aware of. I do not EVER give him money. I buy groceries, diapers and drop them off.

Both he and his girlfriend are seen at the methadone clinic every morning which is 30 minutes from where they are living. Several times a week they have no ride. We are 40 minutes from them. This is an important part of their recovery and now an important part in keeping the unborn child alive. But this child will be born addicted to methadone. So on the days we could be sleeping in we are driving them back and forth to the clinic and then home to our own house.

The one good thing is that having a family that needs him has given my son a very good reason to stay clean. He has stepped into his role as Father very seriously. If only his role as provider was as serious. He has been working on and off but the company is struggling to get back on their feet and doesn’t always pay him all or part of his paycheck. This has caused him to not pay his restitution and to have a warrant issued. I has also caused him to steal more from us. He has been pawning things that aren’t even ours. He feels entitled and no matter how we put things away or lock them up he finds a way. He doesn’t understand what the big deal is. It’s like he has no conscience.

So today I pray that my phone doesn’t ring. I just want a day off from stress and anxiety.

Part 4 – http://walkingthruthedark.com/2018/04/20/from-the-beginning/