*** It’s been 1 year and a half since I started writing this blog. So much has changed but so much has remained the same. My son has been in jail several times, He’s there right now and will miss the birth of his daughter this week. Instead of becoming more positive about his recovery I’m sad to say at this point I’m starting to lose hope. I do want to believe he can recover, I don’t want to lose my son but the devil seems to be holding on pretty tightly. Writing this blog has provided me with an outlet for my frustrations which has been very helpful to me. It’s also allowed me to look at the good times, the happy times, to remind myself it’s not all doom and gloom. I can only hope that you as my readers are also getting something out of my posts. At times my feeling are raw and angry and other times happy and proud. It’s hard living on this roller coaster, so here goes….enjoy the ride along with me.***

Starting to Blog, how to begin, what to write about? All the questions going through my mind but writing about life seems to be the best idea.

Overall my life is good. I have so many things to be thankful for as I take this journey through the darkness. There have been many bumps, dead-ends and depressing times. You see, I am the mother of three, one of those three is a recovering addict. Being the parent of an addict is a series of checks and balances, second guessing yourself and listening to others telling you what is best. In the beginning I wanted to listen to everyone and everything but now I know to listen to my own head and heart.

Your head and heart are frequently in conflict which makes life even more difficult. It’s helpful that I have a partner, my husband, the father of my kids and we know we are in this together. Usually one of us is more logical than the other but no matter what we don’t ever want to say “what if”. No regrets, no blame and always knowing it’s not our choice. It’s taken us years to get to this point. You see our son is now 31 and the first time he was picked up by police he was 16. At 19 he was facing 16 felony counts. There were weeks and months when we had no idea where he was. So many nights I cried myself to sleep. So many rehab centers and thinking this will be the one that works. So  many promises broken, so much heartache, so many material things stolen; jewelry, tools all gone, money, coins and family trust destroyed. This disease affects every person it touches; parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and of course the addict themselves.

I know I’m not alone in this life journey. I know that there are many families suffering as we are. We made the decision early on not to try and hide this, be ashamed or blame ourselves. We told everyone in the family he was an addict, you see our thought was and still is if you don’t know you can’t help him. And believe me when I say that any and all help is appreciated, a listening friend, a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, a card, a prayer or text letting us know you’re there for us. Whatever you can do helps more than you know. Yes we’ve lost friends and that’s ok. We understand that it is hard to be part of a journey like this. If we could step out of it believe me we would.

We have spent all these years praying and trying to give as much attention to  our two girls as we had to give to him. When someone would ask how he was and I’d say that I hadn’t heard from him in 3 weeks or a month and a half, you could see the look of shock, see them judging me as a parent which was so hard but we had two other children to think about. We could not and will not allow him to destroy their lives. We had to release what we couldn’t control to keep sanity in our home.

I know if you’re reading this and are still in the beginning of this journey, you’re saying to yourself – no way, I would be searching for him every second. I felt the same way but that way was destroying me and my family both emotionally and financially. At 16 you have some control but at 24 you do not. You cannot make the choices and therefore are not responsible for the consequences. The guilt and pain will kill you. My son needed to feel the guilt and pain, he needed to suffer the consequences of his choices, of his actions instead of us protecting him. It’s been a long and difficult Journey but I am so happy to say he has been in recovery for almost 2 years. We still live with the knowledge that it can all change in the blink of an eye but we need to live in the moment. And this moment can be pretty good. I’m enjoying the peacefulness of today.

next – http://walkingthruthedark.com/2018/04/20/its-never-easy/